“My boyfriend works in a family business. He is gone ALL day during summer and fall. Often starting at 4:00am not finishing till after 9:00pm. He then goes to his mom’s house for lunch and they always want me and our baby to come over. We have been doing this for the last 2 months but previously lived overseas. My boyfriend wants me and our baby to go to his parents house every evening. When we get there it’s his mother who holds our baby all the time. She never hands her back to me and always walks away from me. If we don’t go to his parents’ house for the night, he always video calls his mother. I get SO annoyed by this and she only talks to the baby on the phone barely saying hello and goodbye to me. My boyfriend and I had a fight where he accused me of wanting to withhold the baby. What caused this and how can I stop this craziness without moving away again?” Amelia
Thank you, Amelia this is such an important topic, for new mothers and one many new mothers struggle with. There are two parts to your question. First, is your relationship with your mother in law and how to put in place appropriate boundaries. Second, and more importantly is the relationship you have with your boyfriend. I’m going to discuss these two areas separately as they each need to be addressed.
Boundaries With Family Members With The Arrival Of A New Baby
When a new baby arrives, there are a lot of changes to roles and relationships. It is important as a new mother that you feel comfortable and supported. You need to be able to say to your mother in law that you do not like her taking the baby away and you need to have support from your husband to do this. On the other hand it takes a village to raise a child. The more close relationships a child has the better for their brain development. However, you need to be comfortable with these interactions and will need to discuss with your husband what type of relationship you would like your child to have with your mother in law.
Your Partner Needs To Be Clear That He Is Prioritising Your Family Unit
When a new baby comes along it is a difficult time for new fathers. They often feel they are juggling competing needs from their partner, baby and family of origin. You need to discuss your feelings with your husband and what he can do to make you feel more comfortable. Your husband needs to prioritise caring for you and your baby but may need some help and support to understand this. If you feel he is not able to understand your concerns, it may be helpful to book in for couples therapy. You and your partner need to be on the same page.
