Why should I believe in love when there is always a better person than me? Oziman
Thank you for your question Oziman. This is such an important question and something I think almost everyone ponders at some point in their life. During adolescence and young adulthood while we are figuring out intimate relationships and trying out different types of relationships this question is particularly pertinent. When a husband, wife, partner, girlfriend or boyfriend has an affair or leaves you this is the main question people ask. The numerous books, movies and songs about the loss of love or the desire for love show the level of confusion and longing that occurs with unrequited love. This question has been considered for centuries and I don’t believe I will be able to answer it fully but from a psychological point of view there are a few things that are important to consider.
While my answer will focus on romantic love remember there are other forms of love including parental and family love as well as friendship love. We often place a lot of importance on romantic love discounting the importance of the love we receive from family and friends.
Rather than focusing on other people being better I would suggest working on yourself. Make yourself into the type of person you would want to love. Find interests and hobby’s you enjoy, read books, travel, find a career that you are passionate about. When you are excited and passionate about something your excitement and joie de vivre is what attracts other people. Regardless of whether you find love or not try to lead a life you are proud of and happy with. Once you feel happy and confident in yourself chances are you will find the best person for you.
When you are considering which areas to focus on in terms of the best way to find a long term partner it is helpful to consider our evolutionary preferences. In evolutionary terms women generally look for traits including ambition, industriousness, drive, and status trajectory in men with whom they want to form a long term relationship. These qualities are linked to the ability of the male to obtain resources. If you want to know more about the way evolution has shaped love, desire and mating choices I recommend The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating by David M. Buss which is a great overview of the way evolution has shaped love.
Take a moment to consider the Ache of Paraguay who on average have around 12 marriages and 11 break ups by the time they are 40 years old. The consensus is that in our lifetime we generally fall in love between 2 and 7 times and 85% of people have experienced a relationship break up. Relationship difficulties are common, and you are not alone in your feelings. I predict that there are millions of people out there who are asking the exact same question as you. Love can be understood from many perspectives and it is from the positive feelings it generates as well as from the pain of losing love that we can learn and grow. If you continue to struggle with relationships over a long period of time a psychologist may be able to help you to develop better interpersonal skills.
“Love is the bridge between you and everything” Rumi
