“I feel like I am always either keeping my mouth shut or not saying what I think just to keep the peace. With strangers it is easy for me to say what I think but not with family or my companion. I have a history of being an enabler.” Pat
Thank you for your question Pat. Learning social skills and interpersonal effectiveness skills can be beneficial when managing relationships. These skills can help you get your needs met and ensure you are able to advocate for yourself. Trying to keep the peace this is a common passive communication style. This type of communication supresses your own needs or thoughts and can be damaging to your self-esteem. It can also impact your relationships negatively as you are not communicating with your family and companion how you are really feeling. Having your needs dismissed or minimised repeatedly in relationships can make you feel like no one is listening or cares.
Our communication patterns often develop early in life so understanding how and why you developed this style of communication can help you make changes in the future. If a parent or other family members did not take your needs seriously when you tried to communicate you may have learned to supress your needs.
A psychologist can teach you assertive communication skills. One of the most important parts of learning these skills is that you get a chance to practice. You can practice them during the session and also in real life situations. Reviewing this practice and problem solving any areas that were difficult is vital to ensuring you are confident to use these skills. Also incorporating work on your body language and vocal tone can help to ensure you can get your message across easily.
Communicating assertively involves describing the situation including using “I feel…” statements. It also involves regulating your own emotions so you can communicate without being either aggressive or avoidant. You may also need to work out your longer-term goals so you can ensure you are working towards those. Finally, you need to be ready to repeat requests or decisions multiple times to ensure you obtain the outcome you want.
One other important point is to fake it till you make it. Pretending to be confident and trying out different skills can help you when it comes to using these skills in a more difficult situation.
