In a previous post I discussed why relationships are important but what about when relationships don’t go well?
Humans are born to need love and to give love. Love is as important to us as food and without healthy love we struggle to thrive just as we do without healthy food. Love is one of the most all-encompassing emotions. Each person we love leaves an inedible mark on us changing us in a fundamental way. When we love someone, it changes who we are and who we become. However, love is a complex emotion and does not always end happily. Relationship breakups are a common occurrence with 30% of first time marriages and 60% of second marriages ending in divorce. Many more relationships end before marriage; however, these statistics are not collected. Relationship break ups have a huge impact on our lives and are often highly emotional and intellectually draining situations. A break up touches something deep within us regarding rejection and being unlovable. Our favourite songs provide a window into the importance of relationship break ups with the most common lyrical theme in No.1 songs on Billboard’s Hot 100 list over the past 60 years being a relationship breakup. While relationship break ups and divorce are common occurrences, they are actually a relatively recent phenomenon. Previously there were religious and cultural rules and laws which restricted serious relationships before marriage and also divorce which made break ups less common.
Relationship break ups have significant negative impacts particularly on men. Some interesting facts regarding relationship break ups include women are more likely to initiate a divorce. Men on the other hand have a harder time than women after a divorce and women’s health can actually improve after a break up. Men often develop or revert back to unhealthy lifestyle choices post-divorce which is a major cause of their poor health outcomes. As with physical health men experience more of the negative mental health impacts after divorce. Divorced and separated people have a higher suicide rate than those that remain married and research has identified that divorced men are 2.4 times more likely to kill themselves. Having a mental health concern makes divorce more likely and experiencing a divorce increases psychological distress and can lead to mental health problems. Some readers will also realise that not only do break ups negatively impact physical and mental health they can actually cause physical pain.
Breaking up hurts
Researchers scanned people’s brains as they looked at pictures of a partner who had recently rejected them. The researchers found that the same areas of the brain lit up which are activated by physical pain. This shows the pain of a break up is not just emotional but that social rejection can also cause physical pain. After a break up our physiology can change. I have discussed Takotsubo cardiomyopathy or Broken Heart Syndrome previously. When the heart is weakened from a break up or death of a loved one to the point where people have died. So, the pain of a break up is not all in your head. If you are concerned about your physical health after a break up it may be a good time to book in with your GP for a check-up.
I can’t get my ex out of my head
After a break up you need to be really gentle with your brain as it is having to do a lot of work. Your brain is trying to disconnect all the positive connections you made about your ex including plans for the future and it is also trying to create a new sense of self that does not include aspects of that relationship. Some people report ruminations or obsessive thoughts about their ex. When you are in a relationship you often think about the other person regularly throughout the day. After a break up you are telling your brain to stop thinking about this person which can be a struggle for your brain particularly at first as neural connections will remain even after the break up. Dr Lucy Brown has investigated the brain networks involved in intense romantic love and found similarities with addictive behaviours involved with drug use. When viewing photographs of ex-partners, the areas associated with reward and motivation were activated leading to people experiencing cravings similar to those seen in drug addiction. In a similar manner to curbing any addiction you may need support and strategies to manage these intense feelings.
Attachment theory is one of the most respected models for understanding relationships. Babies form a deep and enduring attachment to their parents’. Romantic partners also form attachment relationships to each other. It is generally thought that there are four types of adult attachment. With an autonomous or secure attachment being the most adaptive type of relationship style.
- Autonomous (Secure) People who have an autonomous style of attachment value relationships. They can see these relationships in a balanced way and understand that every relationship is influential. When they tell a story about their relationships it is coherent, internally consistent, and non-defensive.
- Dismissing People with a dismissive style of attachment often have memory lapses when discussing relationships. They will minimize negative aspects of these relationships and deny the personal impact of these relationships. The positive descriptions they give of their relationships are often contradictory and unsupported by evidence. They are often defensive when they discuss their relationships.
- Preoccupied People who have a preoccupied style of attachment have an ongoing preoccupation with their own parents. When they discuss their relationships with others their story may be difficult to understand or incoherent. Preoccupied people often view past relationships in an angry or ambivalent manner.
- Unresolved/Disorganised People with an unresolved or disorganised attachment have often experienced trauma resulting from unresolved loss or abuse. This trauma is repeated in their current relationships.
The way these attachment styles are developed is through early experiences particularly early relational experiences. A good way to pick a partner is to look at their relationships with their parents as this will give you an indication of their model of relationships. If someone does not have a good relationship with their parents or demonstrates a dysfunctional style of attachment working with a Psychologist can help them to process these experiences and develop different relationship skills.
Attachment theory as applied to childhood also gives us an understanding of the common reactions which occur during a separation. While this is based on separation and loss from a parent the stages can be somewhat similar for adults. First the child will protest the separation often vigorously then their protests give way to despair. Once despair sets in they can seem detached and indifferent. Children can experience difficulties feeding and sleeping, and with irritability, crying, and anxiety. These same difficulties are not uncommon problems in adults after a break up.
Why did we break up?
One of the most common questions my clients have is why did we break up? There is no one answer, and many people are never given a specific reason. In Australia financial problems are the most common reason for relationship problems closely followed by work and study demands. Cheating, affairs, or infidelity are another major cause of relationship break downs. Between 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men cheat on their partners. Many couples with the support of a Psychologist can find a way to repair their relationship or work towards an amicable divorce (something like Gwyneth Paltrow’s conscious uncoupling). Even if you can’t get a clear answer as to why a relationship has ended seeing a Psychologist can help you figure out how best to move on with your life.
There is some good news regarding break up statistics. The divorce rate in Australia is the lowest since 1976 at about 2 per 1000 people. There are a number of reasons for this with the marriage rate also dropping, people getting married at an older age, and 80% of people living together before marriage. Relationship break ups are one of the most difficult events in our lives and it is common for people to need additional support around these times. If you are have recently broken up with your partner or your partner has broken up with you seeing a Psychologist can help. Our PsychHelp Psychologists can help you make sense of this situation and learn skills to deal with the intense emotions that are associated with a relationship break down.
