“I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year. When we first started our relationship, I was aware that he still was in love with his ex. She was his first love. When we started the relationship, he said that he could see himself falling in love with me and having a life with me. A few months after starting the relationship everything he hadn’t dealt with regarding his ex-girlfriend came crashing through our relationship. He became different and cold in our relationship. He asked me for more time. I said okay but then he lied to me about many things and I was very hurt. My own pain started to crash through our relationship. Once things were improving, he said he was starting to fall in love with me, but my reaction had made him cold. The love stopped growing further on his end so I told him that we should break up since he isn’t in love with me. He has said that he doesn’t want to. That he knows that he will fall in love with me, that I’m everything he wants, and that there is this overwhelming peace in being with me. To me this makes no sense. Can you feel that peace with a person you’re not in love with but have love for?” Gabbie
Thank you for your question Gabbie. I would like to be able to answer your questions regarding your boyfriend; however, these questions are really for him and also for you. It is important that you come to an understanding of whether you will be able to feel at peace with your boyfriend if he is not in love with you but has love for you. I can’t answer that for you however, a psychologist could help you to think through this question from different perspectives so that you can come to a conclusion about how you would like to move forward in this relationship.
It seems like your boyfriend has given you two choices. First, to stay with him and sit with the uncomfortable feeling of knowing he is not in love with you. Second, to end the relationship. I find it interesting in your question you do not discuss whether you love your boyfriend? Sometimes people stay with someone because they fear being alone even if their intimate partner does not treat them in a kind manner.
Interestingly research has shown that men tend to view their ex-partners more favourably than women do which may be part of the difficulties your boyfriend is having in terms of moving on from his past relationship. Finkel, Simpson, and Eastwick identified 14 principles that describe a strong relationship. I will outline these in more detail in a future blog post, but they are worth considering to broaden your view of your relationship with your boyfriend. While he may be struggling to get over his ex-girlfriend there may be many other areas where you are suited to each other.
Relationship therapy could also be useful for you and your boyfriend to explore your relationship and figure out if you want to remain together. Many couples face similar situations to this and are able to work together to build a better relationship. It is important that both parties commit to making these changes together.
