I feel like I’m addicted to my boyfriend who has been abusive physically and verbally from about a month into the relationship. I am a single mom of 2 toddlers (aged 3 and 1). Their dad left when my second child was 1 week old. I met my boyfriend about 6 months after that and it was instant love. I have never felt a connection as strong as this with anyone. The problem is I just can’t leave. I know I should and that this relationship will only end up doing my boys harm as it is showing them that it is fine to hit women. Me and my boys live in an apartment in my parent’s property and my parents know of the abuse. They have just told me that if I want to continue to stay with them that my boyfriend can’t come to my house. They also set out a bunch of other rules. I told them I’m a grown woman and I won’t allow them to make decisions for me. They are trying to force me to leave my boyfriend but I just can’t so I have decided to move out, even though I know I can’t afford it. I just can’t leave him as he is the only person that has ever really loved me. Magda
Magda you are not alone. Many people want to stay in a relationship with someone despite being abused. However, your situation really concerns me, and my first advice would be to consider getting out of the relationship as soon as possible. From the information you have provided it does not sound like you or your boys are physically or emotionally safe. I would strongly encourage you to report incidents of physical harm to the police as these are criminal acts. I am aware that many people do stay in abusive relationships, so I wanted you to consider a number of factors if you are not considering leaving.
- Have a safety plan. This includes safe places to go, money put aside and important contacts such as the police and domestic violence services easily accessible.
- Tell people what is happening. Tell your friends and family what he has done or threatened to do. Don’t put on a brave front let them know the real extent of the abuse you have experienced.
- Contact a local domestic violence organisations so you know what is available.
After your safety is established therapeutic work could focus on increasing your self-esteem as this will help you gain the confidence needed to keep you and your boys safe. Once you feel better about yourself you will not be as accepting of his abuse anymore. You discuss that he is the only person who has ever really loved you, but you also have two boys who love you more than anything. Use the love of those boys to help you make decisions to keep yourself and them safe.
If you leave your parents’ house there are two potential concerns, I see. First, there will be less help with your kids from your parents. Second, as your abuser sees you as more isolated this may increase their level of power and control as well as their violence towards you and your sons.
You discuss the intensity of this relationship. Lenore Walker developed a model of the cycle which occurs in domestically violent relationships which might help you to understand why you feel such a connection to your boyfriend. She identified that the cycle of abuse involves a build-up of tension, followed by an incident, then a reconciliation phase and then a calm before the next point of tension arises. During the reconciliation and calm phases an abusive partner can be very loving and may provide gifts and other offerings. This can be termed a “honeymoon period” and can be a very intense period of love and reconnection; however, this period will likely be followed by another incident of physical violence or other abusive act. It is important to look at the whole cycle rather than just these more pleasant times. While the honeymoon periods may be intensely nice the incidents of abuse are intensely horrible.
Witnessing domestic violence is particularly traumatic for children and can involve seeing or hearing the violence as well as trying to intervene or defend a parent. There are many negative future outcomes which have been linked to witnessing domestic violence including psychological, behavioural, health and socioeconomic problems. One of the most worrying outcomes of witnessing domestic violence is that children may develop beliefs which justify the use of violence in their future relationships.
I have also written a blog containing more information for you as I believe your situation is very concerning and I hope that by having as much understanding as possible you will be able to make good decisions. PsychHelp is not a specialist Domestic Violence service, however we are able to help you to weigh up your options if you are considering leaving an abusive relationship or to work with you once you are in a safe place. If you or your children are at risk, please do not hesitate to contact the police.
