That person who is supposed to be the nicest to you in the world. The one who is supposed to be there for you no matter what and love you unconditionally. Your Mother.
The maternal relationship has been around since before we even became human and is seen in almost all other mammals. Does this most ancient of relationships ever go badly? Are there mothers out there who have lost their maternal instinct or are just down right mean?
As a psychologist I have met and worked with mean mothers, so yes, they do exist. They are the types of mothers who scream at their kids in public, they put their children down, and don’t attend to their children’s needs. These are not the type of mothers who are sensitive and caring. They are often verbally abusive to their children and at times resort to hitting their kids. They can seem self-centred and often put themselves and their own dramas before the needs of their children. They are the Mother’s that you feel uncomfortable around. Often putting their behaviour down to them having a bad day. However, over time you realise they have a bad day pretty much every day. It maybe that you are the Mean Mother yourself and you realise that other mothers feel uncomfortable around you or you glimpse the hurt in your children’s eyes.
The Mean Mother is a little discussed population. There are very few mean mothers in the movies. Mothers are generally depicted as loving, kind, and caring so if you were unlucky enough to get a Mean Mother it can be confusing.
What makes a Mean Mother?
There are many reasons a mother can lose the capacity to care for their young. They may not have been cared for by their own mother and so lack an understanding of maternal care. Some are affected by drugs and alcohol which can dull the mothering instinct. Others are fighting for their own survival in domestically violent relationships and do not have the capacity to care for others due to the chaos of their own lives.
It is important to realise that even if you are a Mean Mother your children still need you particularly when they are little. The attachment children have to their parents is so great it overrides our need for safety even if there is severe abuse. The following passage is distressing yet provides a glimpse of the importance of the relationship between a mother and child even in the context of severe abuse. Many people despite years of severe abuse by parents continue to hold them in high esteem due to the overriding physiological need for attachment. Survival when young must be placed at the forefront and over time evolution has deemed an abusive parent better than no parent. Hence why this child cries for his mother even though she has abused him.
Voirst – 1986, p. 22 “A young boy lies in a hospital bed. He is frightened and in pain. Burns cover 40 percent of his small body. Someone has doused him with alcohol and then, unimaginable, has set him on fire. He cries for this mother. His mother has set him on fire. It doesn’t seem to matter what kind of mother a child has lost, or how perilous it may be to dwell in her presence. It doesn’t matter whether she hurts or hugs. Separation from mother is worse than being in her arms when the bombs are exploding. Separation from mother is sometimes worse than being with her when she is the bomb. For the presence of mother – our mother – stands for safety. Fear of her loss is the earliest terror we know”.
Researchers have looked at this bond and found it a common occurrence in all animals. There has been much research on this topic including rat pups being given an electric shock every time they went near their mothers. These poor pups still bonded with their mother despite the obvious pain, they experienced when they went close to her. These types of experiments demonstrate how fundamental this bond is even in the context of pain and suffering to be near your mother.
I doubt there is a Mother out there that has not been mean to her child at some point, but this is usually followed by an apology and a discussion of why this happened. However, some Mothers are consistently mean over a long period of time. It’s this long-term pattern of meanness which has a negative effect on a child not one-off moments of frustration and anger.
There is often a thought that parents need to harden their children up to face the realities of the world. Yet research which has followed a large number of people over a long period of time has found time and again that children with sensitive and caring parents do better on measures of health and wellbeing as well as achievement. Having a Mean Mother can leave lasting scars. Research supports the idea that your relationship with your caregivers early in life is important. This is particularly the case with your primary caregiver which is generally your mother. This relationship has been shown to influence your later mental and physical health for better or worse depending on the quality of the relationship.
How Can We Help?
If you are the child of a Mean Mother, the PsychHelp Psychologist can teach you skills to deal with difficult family situations. Developing skills to deal with a difficult family member can help reduce the emotional toll of these interactions. Developing boundaries which allow healthy interactions but limit harmful situations can be a good first step. Having a Psychologist to talk through stressful interactions can be a way to process these situations and develop coping strategies.
If you have found yourself turning into a Mean Mother, no matter the reason seeing a PsychHelp Psychologist can help you better understand why you are acting in this way to your child and also provide you with strategies to be the type of Mother you would like to be. Let’s not forget Mean Dad’s too, and Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Aunts, and Uncles. They are a whole different post which I will write later.
The biggest takeaway message is there are always reasons for meanness. Behind any type of dysfunction there is someone struggling and doing the best they can. Mean Mother’s often lack confidence in their parenting and realise they are not being the parent they would like to be. Life can be hard and tiring. Parenting is one of the most difficult tasks in life. With psychological skills you can build a tool box and learn different ways of interacting with your child.
