As a Psychologist it is more common to come across a person who has been hurt or abused by someone with narcistic traits. It is less common to have someone book in to see you because they are struggling with their own narcissism. Why is this? Generally, people with narcissistic traits or a narcissistic personality disorder do not see themselves as having a problem. They may come to see a Psychologist for other reasons and during therapy their narcissistic traits become apparent.
Narcissism Has Been Around a Long Time
In Greek mythology there was a story of Narcissus who fell in love with his own image which was reflected in a pool of water. Freud wrote one of the first books on narcissism and proposed that it was the result of a person’s survival instincts turned inward similar to an infant who for a time is primarily focussed on their own needs. While the idea of narcissism has been around a long time and is common in popular culture the prevalence in the community has been found to only be 0% and 6.2% (DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association, 2013). So, while you may have a boss or ex-boyfriend who has narcissistic traits, they probably do not meet the criteria for a personality disorder.
What Is It?
You will often hear someone say, “he is a narcissist”. I used “he” because men are more likely to have narcissistic traits than women (with up to 75% of those diagnosed being male). In terms of a diagnosis there is no mental health diagnosis of narcissism. However, you can be diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People generally develop personality disorders as a way of coping with difficult life situations particularly if these occur early in life. A personality pattern can be looked at as dysfunctional, however it most likely developed as the best way of coping with a hard situation.
A personality disorder involves impairments in personality and interpersonal functioning which means that someone has patterns of thinking, behaving and feeling which are unhelpful to others and themselves. With narcissism there maybe short-term benefits to these behaviours, however over time in most cases there will be times where the narcissistic traits cause problems. People who have a personality disorder may struggle to have a realistic understanding of their own identity and may set goals based on external approval rather than acknowledging their own needs. In their interactions with others they may not understand the feelings or needs of others and their relationships may remain superficial with their goal in relationships generally being for their own personal gain.
For a person with a narcissistic personality disorder there will also be feelings of grandiosity and attention seeking. Grandiosity involves feeling entitled, being self-centred and looking down on others. They may also spend a lot of their time seeking attention and admiration from others. These traits do not make someone seem very likeable, however people with this disorder are often vivacious, interesting, and entertaining especially if they want you to like them.
Is Parenting Linked to Narcissism?
There have been two main findings regarding a person’s attachment style with their parent and narcissism. First, is that having an avoidant attachment style is linked to more grandiose narcissism. As people with this attachment style struggle to develop and maintain deep connections they may put up a front of confidence and extravagant appearance to hide their difficulties in relationships. People with grandiose narcissism are more likely to be flamboyant and dominate their relationships with assertiveness. They may be overconfident when making decisions and tend not to learn from their mistakes. Further they often have an inflated sense of self. Second having an anxious attachment is linked to vulnerable narcissism. An anxious attachment involves worrying constantly about those people with whom you are close. This may lead to the development of the need to look to others for constant reassurance of your relationship status and an excessive worry about criticism which are the main factors with vulnerable narcissism. Vulnerable narcissism involves being hypersensitive to criticism and needing a lot of reassurance. People with these traits may even avoid attention because they are so worried about being criticised. Some people may swing between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.
There have been links made betweenparenting practices and narcissism. Psychological control by parents has been found to be associated with grandiose narcissism. Psychological control involves a parent being psychologically intrusive where they control their child’s emotions and beliefs. So, a parent who strictly controls the way their child thinks and behaves may lead the child to develop low self esteem, a sensitivity to criticism and anxiety. To deal with issues there is a need to set up defences such as narcissism to cope with the negative effects of this type of parenting.
The Narcissistic Parent
There is a classic view of the narcissist as an ex-boyfriend. However, having a parent, who has NPD can have ongoing effects. Parents who have NPD often view their children as an extension of their own self with little regard for their children’s needs. They may not have empathy for their children and try to control their children with emotional abuse. A parent with NPD will be particularly focused on their child’s achievements or appearance with little time for their child when they do not bring attention or admiration to their parent. NPD parents are often quick to anger and so a child quickly learns to comply with their parents demands. This can have a range of detrimental effects on a child’s mental health and children with a parent who have NPD have a higher likelihood of developing the disorder themselves.
Is Social Media Really Increasing Our Narcissism?
Research has found that people who were more self-promoting on Facebook were more narcissistic and also tended to have more “friends”. Other studiesfound similar results with more narcissistic individuals more likely to have a high number of social media connections and spend a lot of time on social media. Other research has pointed to the visual content on social media as potentially releasing or increasing narcissistic traits. In particular selfies have been associated with an increase in narcissism. So, there is some evidence of a link with social media particularly if the content is visual. It seems people who have narcissistic traits are more likely to use social media and social media may also bring out narcissistic traits in people.
When Is It Useful To Have Narcissistic Traits
While having a personality disorder is a difficult and often exhausting experience for many, sometimes having some traits can get you ahead particularly in some careers. People with Narcissistic traits often perform well in job interviews, however the glowing picture they paint of themselves rarely lasts. Having someone with Narcissistic traits on a team can
be disruptive in a work place and has been found to increase stress and staff turnover. While narcissism might get you a job it is likely people will see through the boasts and initial good impression.
When To Seek Help
Often the first indication you have NPD will come from other people telling you that what you did hurt them, but you may not understand the depth of their feelings. For a parent your narcissistic traits may become apparent at a time your child is seeking independence which may make you uncomfortable. Assess whether you set goals in life are to obtain approval and admiration. Goals should be set based on an internal compass which points you in the direction of the things you enjoy or are passionate about. Part of therapy does involve acknowledging and challenging narcissistic thoughts and behaviours, so the first step is always recognising you have these traits and that they are causing problems for yourself or others. Think about whether you feel pressured to continually seek attention and approval from others, if you feel empty or distraught when you don’t get attention, if you have difficulty understanding other people’s feelings or if you feel your relationships are superficial. Our PsychHelp Psychologists can help you understand how your narcissistic traits developed and provide you strategies to develop deeper more meaningful relationships. There is also a need to challenge your beliefs about needing approval from others and develop a new set of beliefs which fit with your own internal values.
If you are in a situation where you need to interact with someone who has narcissistic traits, have a parent who has narcissistic traits, or have been burned by someone with these traits our Psychologists can help you process these experiences. It is often confusing and exasperating dealing with someone with narcissistic traits as they seem unable to understand other’s feelings and may behave in a callous or selfish manner. Once you understand a person’s underlying personality structure and the reasons, they may behave in a hurtful manner it can be easier to interact with them. You can also learn skills to keep yourself emotionally safe and put boundaries in place.
