“A few months ago I was laying in bed with my new girlfriend and at that stage we were very fresh, maybe a month into the relationship. We were discussing previous sexual experiences in a light way just talking about some of the problems we had. I started talking about my ex girlfriend and how we had issues because she was always in pain and it was due to the small size of her vagina. I talked about how it was really frustrating us because we couldn’t even have sex. My new girlfriend straight away got very defensive and went really quiet. She wouldn’t talk to me and I didn’t understand why. After about an hour of trying to get out of her what I what I had said that was wrong. She told me I compared her vagina with my ex’s. I was completely shocked as I didn’t even mention her in the story, around the story and up to that point had only high praise for our sexual intercourse.
After that night she nearly never even came back. She said she won’t forget me telling her how her vagina isn’t good enough for me and that if I want my ex so badly, go back to her. I never even drew a comparison in the conversation or brought her into the “light sexual stories” we were talking about. With any explanation I gave and trying to explain the context of our conversation and what I had said, she doesn’t want to listen and will just tell me how big a mistake I made by bringing this whole thing up.
This issue still comes up months later and she still tells me how horrible I am and how insensitive I am about the whole story. Last night we had another massive argument and it just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere but she tells me how she wishes she just left that night of the conversation and regrets staying with me. I never bring this thing up and avoid any sexual conversation with her because I’m afraid of it coming back up again. Even that doesn’t seem to be enough.
I’m confused as she told me in the same phone call she “needs” me in her life and will tell me she wants to live with me and all this stuff, but then later in a phone call she will all of the sudden switch over to this insecure person who blames me for everything and I don’t know how to handle it. It’s exhausting me in recent times with lack of sleep, vomiting, loss of appetite, loss of focus at jobs on hand, and just having no energy at all to do anything.
Any advice as to solve this issue would be amazing. Through all of this, I’m totally in love with her and think she is an amazing young woman, but this doesn’t seem to be healthy, and not a single part of me wants to give her up or walk away. I just want to know how to handle it all.” Jack
Thank you, Jack, for your question. I think you are very brave asking a question about sex as it’s a topic that is often very difficult for people to talk about. Sex is an important component of any intimate relationship and being able to communicate about sex in relationships is vital.
When I read your question, I had two thoughts. First of all, I think your girlfriend is lucky to have such a caring and kind boyfriend. The fact that you are trying to work through this difficult situation bodes well for your relationship. The second thought I had was that the symptoms you are experiencing including “lack of sleep, vomiting, loss of appetite, loss of focus at jobs on hand, and just having no energy at all to do anything” are not uncommon in the context of relationship stress. However, if they continue for the longer term, they can be detrimental to your health and wellbeing. I think you need to balance your care and concern to your girlfriend with looking after your own mental and physical health.
There are two main things your relationship needs: better communication and boundaries.
In terms of communication, conversations regarding past sexual experiences are part of any healthy relationship and usually a sign of growing intimacy between a couple. You both need an understanding of when, where and how information can be communicated to the other person. There is a need for this to feel safe for both parties with an understanding that uncomfortable or unknown information may be divulged. You need to discuss with her what did not work regarding your communication last time and how to communicate in a different manner next time. You need to feel comfortable to communicate with her about a range of topics including sex.
During the phase of developing intimacy boundaries are often pushed as you find a comfortable position. While this is a wonderful phase where two separate selves combine into a couple there is still a need for boundaries. In particular you it may help to set up boundaries around what you will tolerate from your girlfriend. Her current behaviours are pushing you to a point where your health and wellbeing is affected.
A final note, your girlfriend may have some difficulties with her self-esteem and confidence which are leading to her needing a lot of reassurance from you. It sounds like she may be anxious about her relationship with you which is where I would start any discussion with reassurance that you want to work this out with her. If the difficulties in your relationship continue and you would like to remain in the relationship it would be useful to consider couples therapy. This would allow you both to be heard and it would create a safe space to discuss the difficulties you are having.
