“I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and I love him. For the past 2 years he has been abusing alcohol and for 3 years he hasn’t worked. I feel like I am left to do all the housework while also working my job. He plays Xbox, drinks and occasionally tells me stuff that needs to be done if I haven’t done it. I feel like I love him but have lost any sense of connection, I don’t want to be intimate and sometimes I will have sex with him even if I don’t want to, because I don’t want to mess him up. He is very touchy, loves hugs and sensitive and when rejected he gets angry or upset. I have tried so hard over the years to have patience and understanding. Now I don’t know whether to continue the relationship. I am filled with guilt. I don’t know whether I am selfish when he is low, and I don’t want to just quit on him but on the other hand I find I feel like more of a mother than a girlfriend. I really don’t enjoy intimacy anymore. Can you offer me your perspective/advice?” B
Thank you for your question B. This type of relationship is actually quite common from my experience. You are brave to reach out for help with this as it is not easy to acknowledge someone you love is not treating you well.
The balance between being a kind person who loves and cares for others and being abused is an area that comes up regularly in therapy. I often draw my clients a line like the one below. I then get them to think about where they are on the line and where they would like to be on the line. As a therapist there is a desire to praise you for your patience and understanding towards your partner while he goes through a hard time; however, these comments by others often serve to reinforce your carer role. It sounds like you have reached a point where you would like a different relationship with your partner.
You don’t discuss who is paying for things, but it does not appear your partner is contributing financially. I think you need to consider whether your partner is financially and emotionally abusing you? I always think a good test of a relationship is to have a discussion regarding finances. The concrete nature of numbers can take away from the emotional components of a relationship and give more clarity as to who is contributing to the relationship currently and also who is building towards your future together.
You need to weigh up your beliefs about being a good/kind/caring partner and what this means to you. Ask yourself questions such as: If I was in the same situation would my partner do the same for me? How long do I want to live like this for? Am I happy with who I am in this relationship? What steps could my partner and I take to make positive changes in our lives?
The first place I would start is with boundaries. Start small putting in place rules or guidelines that you would like everyone in the household to follow. Also consider what action you will take if these are not followed. Exploring your early relationships with your parents can also help you understand why you behave in the way you do in relationships. Since our models of relationships are set out early in life often our later relationships are in some ways based on the models we developed during childhood. Once we understand and reflect on these models, we can work on changing them or modifying aspects of the model we are not happy with.
You should not feel you need to have sex with someone if you do not want to. Sex and intimacy are important extensions of important aspects of your relationship such as communication and trust. The difficulties you describe in this area may be a reflection of the broader problems you discuss in your relationship. As it sounds like you still care deeply about your partner you may find that if other areas of your relationship are resolved your desire for intimacy may return.
The type of situation you describe is a common reason why people attend therapy. A psychologist can help you evaluate your thoughts around the situation. They can help you weigh the pros and cons of different courses of action. They can also help you learn skills to communicate your needs effectively and problem solve putting in more boundaries in your relationship. If your partner is willing you may also want to consider couples therapy.
If you are interested in working on your relationship with your partner there are a few books which you may find interesting.
- Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
- Act With Love by Russ Harris
