I’ve fallen out of love with my husband of 8 yrs, but he is still very in love with me, I’m on antidepressants because I am so unhappy, I love him as a friend, I get hugs from. I don’t have any sexual want for him or any man for a long time before the medication. How do I know what is the right action/ decision to make about my life? I want to be happy but I don’t know how to move forward. Alex
Thank you for your question Alex. You are not alone in your thoughts many people in long term relationships struggle to maintain desire. In long term relationships and as we age so many things change not only our looks but the way we move, our hopes and dreams etc. In many cases, our lives do not turn out the way we thought they would. My favourite way of thinking about these situations is described by Esther Perel. She discusses relationship break ups as being more about breaking up with that version of yourself rather than being just about the other person. While you do not say you are thinking of leaving it sounds like your current situation is leading to you feeling unhappy. Perhaps your unhappiness is more general than just not feeling a sexual attraction to your husband. It may be helpful for you to consider the idea that you are not happy with yourself and the life you lead. Possibly if you were living a different life or a different version of yourself your sexual attraction to your husband would return.
“Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn’t so much that we leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become”. Esther Perel
In terms of your lack of desire for sex it is important to break sexual desire down into its component parts. Sexual desire involves trust and communication. It is important to trust the other person and be able to communicate your wants and needs as well as feel safe to express your desire to please your partner and be pleased yourself. There can also be physical reasons for not wanting or enjoying sex which can be helpful to discuss with your GP. Many couples struggle in this area after the initial lust wears off and so it is important to make an effort to ensure ongoing intimacy. Yes, at some stages in your relationship it is hard work to maintain sexual intimacy but for many couples when they look back on these times, they are pleased they made the effort.
I believe any relationship that does not involve abuse is worth trying to save as there must have been something which led to you getting together in the first place and for you 8 years is a great achievement. That you still love him as a friend is a very good sign and could be the point you use to re-build your relationship. Seeing a psychologist who works with couples could provide you and your husband with assistance from an independent person. This will allow you to find common ground and work towards remaining together in a happier way or alternatively helping you both leave the relationship in a manner which is not too traumatic.
Relationships also go through stages and some of our hopes and dreams for our relationship may not become reality. Think back to when you were first together, a small touch, or a shared meal was so exciting. After 8 years these things become common place. The two most important things to do are to face the reality of your life and who you have become and learn to appreciate the small everyday things.
